PHONE ANXIETY, or: How Normal People Make a Phone Call vs. How I Make a Phone Call

Normal People:

"Oh, I should make that phone call."

*pick up phone*

*ring ring*

"Hello. [imparts necessary information.] Okay. Bye."

*Hangs up*

Me:

"Oh, I should make that phone call. No, I’ll make it tomorrow."

"Oh, I should make that phone call. No, I can wait another day."

"Okay now I really have to make that phone call, I can’t wait any more. I have to do it."

"But my phone’s way over THERE."

"I don’t want to."

"I REALLY don’t want to."

"Oh, God, you have no idea how much I don’t want to."

"Okay. I’m getting up. I’ve got the phone."

*sits down at desk resolutely*

"I’m gonna wait til my record finishes playing, cause I don’t want to pause it in the middle and the music will distract me from my phone call. Besides, this way I can spend a few minutes to sit here and really enjoy it."

*lost in thought*

*record ends*

*automatic replay kicks in*

*whole side plays again and I don’t notice*

*roommate walks in*

*I snap back to reality*

"OH NO I have to make that phone call!"

*Gets up and turns off record. Inspects self in mirror which is right above record player. Realizes this is stupid as person will not be able to see me while I’m on the phone.*

*sits resolutely at desk again*

*rallys self, usually with Doctor Who quotes*

*picks up phone, stares at it a moment*

*dials*

*messes up*

*dials again*

*ringing*

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I AM SO NERVOUS WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THIS PERSON WHAT IF THEY ASK ME QUESTIONS I DON’T WANT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LAKJSD;FLKAJSD;IOFUPQEOI"

"Hello?"

"Hello. [Imparts some of necessary information, punctuated by long pauses and stuttering. Silently yearns the entire time to be able to do this in person or in writing, media in which I am capable of being polite, eloquent, witty, and charming. On the phone I am a six-year-old cro-magnon with a speech impediment and allergies.] I’m sorry."

"For what?"

"If that didn’t make sense."

"Oh. Oh, it’s okay."

"Okay. Well, bye."

"Bye."

"Bye." (Oh no, oh no, who’s supposed to hang up first? If I hang up now will they think I don’t like them? If I let them hang up first will I seem needy? I’d better just hang up this needs to end.)

*hangs up*

*puts head on desk*

*has cup of tea and takes long nap*

  1. daisy-chains--under-the-sea reblogged this from nowthatsanairship
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  10. tempsinchiswick reblogged this from shireadventures and added:
    accurate portrayal of bert and george.
  11. stephaniesearches reblogged this from indifferentomens and added:
    This is like someone wrote down every little thing that goes through my head about making a phone call. o_o
  12. indifferentomens reblogged this from shireadventures
  13. ingloriousfreak reblogged this from nine-kinds-of-crazy
  14. nine-kinds-of-crazy reblogged this from shireadventures
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  17. vijara reblogged this from 190590
  18. 190590 reblogged this from nowthatsanairship and added:
    I don’t think I’ve ever read anything so accurate. Except for the Doctor Who quotes.
  19. bra1nstew reblogged this from nowthatsanairship
  20. cardcarryingcynic reblogged this from ihadtimetokill
  21. hey-lethallan reblogged this from acciopuppies and added:
    Replace the Doctor Who quotes with crying hysterically and this is me oh god >_>
  22. maallanhead reblogged this from nowthatsanairship and added:
    LMAO amazing
  23. turpentineandpatches reblogged this from sarahjanewilleatyourbrain and added:
    THIS IS SO ACCURATE YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
  24. sarahjanewilleatyourbrain reblogged this from nowthatsanairship
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